Posted by Tom_C
Firstly, the title is incorrect; it should actually read "The Funniest Moz Comments I Could Remember and Find from Recent-ish Times," but obviously that wasn’t quite as snappy.
Rummaging through the old moz comments has been a delight and I’ve loved rediscovering some of these gems. Who knew that techno geeks could be funny, too?
Shoulders of Doom, anyone? Dr Pete’s drinking habits? Kid Disco with a 35 thumbs-up comment? It’s all below, baby!
In no particular order:
The origins of the Dr Pete/Critchlow wars, by Dr Fail Pete himself (sorry, in joke there - note to self: less in jokes when blogging) in response to Rebecca’s daily routine:
Hey, that sounds like fun. Let me play:
- 8:00am - Hit snooze
- 8:09am - Hit snooze again - Repeat 13 times
- 10:06am - Wife throws cat on bed; barely escape with my life
- 10:30am - Caffeinate, Repeat as needed
- 10:45am - Check blogs
- 11:30am - Comment on blogs like man possessed
- 12:00pm - Check to see if I’ve caught up with arch enemy, Will Critchlow
- 12:05pm - Shake fist at sky in rage - CRITCHLOW!!!
- 12:30pm - Break for 12-martini lunch
Usually, it all sort of gets hazy after that…
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This then sparked a few funny comments on the theme of a weekly TV drama show featuring the moz.
Vingold wrote a great piece on how to find the sweet spot between something you’re passionate about which can also make you money. Sitemost chips in with his favourite:
All I need to do is figure-out how to make money from doing ‘nothing’ because (for me) it fits into the other two circles nicely.
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Amidst all the wreckage of the Google PageRank fiasco from last year, Rebecca makes some timely insights:
I’m not sure why, but this post read a little "24" to me:
The following tests were run between 3pm and 10:32pm.
BEEP. BOOP. BEEP. BOOP.
"Damnit, Chloe, we’re dropping Page Rank, and we’re dropping it fast!"
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Some random post by Rebecca mentioned Victorian SEOs. This brought to mind a vivid image for jamesoskins, which Rebecca then cruelly destroyed. Jameshoskins responds:
That’s a bit disappointing, I was picturing a gentleman SEO with fabulous facial hair and whiskers, puffing away on his pipe while scratching out his latest linkbait piece on the seven best ways to bag an elephant.
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7 best ways to bag an elephant?! Too funny.
In other news, someone gives some stick to the mozzers for the site running slowly (it’s part of the allure, don’tchaknow?). Scott checks with the sys admin and reports back on the technical details:
The Oompa Loompas are mixing up all kinds of fun stuff here in the Chocolate Factory 
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Rebecca made a fantastic post about rocket links and the arcane methods of old-school sites (web 0.5, anyone?). Sean Maguire chips in:
note to self: in order to get blog site featured on SEOmoz, use arcane linking methods and rocketships dripping with google pixie dust. do not - i repeat - do not use alt tags on graphics as this would be a dead giveaway that i might actually have a clue as to what i’m doing.
In other news…
Seattle, WA - At approximately 1:15pm pst, SCIFISOURCE website crashes after massive spike, almost tripling traffic to 45 hits within a one hour period. "Our Commodore 64 just isn’t equipped to handle this kind of traffic", responded Dr. Jack Tramiel, when questioned about the outage.
FBI investigators are currently scouring the Seattle area for the cuplrits responsible for this heinous crime.
There is wide speculation that a young Asian woman is under intense FBI questioning. When initially asked if she was the mastermind behind this crime, it is reported that she simply responded "Mastermind? Whuh?, yo, seriously?"
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"Our commodore 64 just isn’t equipped to handle this kind of traffic" - I want that piece of comedy gold to sink in for a while. Bravo Sean, bravo! In other news, I had a comment which got 11 thumbs up for being mildly amusing too. I’m too modest to feature it in this blog post though. Wait, what?
Rand makes a post about their SEO version of the werewolf game, which, unfortunately, I am yet to get to play 
and Jane chips in about how her cartoon caricature has pansy-ass shoulders. Never fear though, Shor is on hand to set the record straight:
Fear not Jane, your shoulders are now accurately represented with their very own card. Shoulders of Doom
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PS - I love the fact that you even got the legendary creature part right, Shor. I must get out more.
A more recent one now - Vingold really ups the bar for thumb-bait by decorating a real life cake for his Moz birthday. Genius. Of course, the truth comes that it was Vingold’s ex-girlfriend who did the cake decorating. Dr Pete steps in:
I’d love to hear that phone call with your ex:
"Hey, could you come over and help me decorate a cake? It’s really important… No, it’s not my birthday… No, it’s not someone else’s birthday… See, there’s this blog I post on, and it’s my blog anniversary, and I want to write a post about it so that people will thumb me up *click* hello? hello?"
:)
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Again, another recent one. Rand celebrates 2000 pro members, announces Moz version 4 and asks for feedback. I had a little bit of a ramble and left a huge comment, which then provoked this from Ciarán:
Great stuff guys - well deserved.
Points for the future (already raised to be fair):
- Spell check & strike throughs in comments.
- Cut Tom’s comments off at 1,000 words.
That should do it..
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Of course, it’s not just the one comment which is amusing, Rishil and Sean get in on the act too.
Jumping back in time a little, who remembers the discussion of job titles for the moz? Good times! In case anyone missed the post, you should all go read every single comment for the post as there were some genius suggestions. One comment that stood out for me, though (apart from the FAQ Dover remark), was Dr Pete backtracking rapidly after finding one of Scotts re-comments funnier than the original comment:
Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause a controversy. Let me clarify. Sometimes, I find original comments very funny. Sometimes, I find Scott’s reactions to those comments very funny. On occasion, the resulting laughter to Scott’s reaction exceeds that which I expressed for the original comment. This is is no way an insult to the original comment. In fact, it could be argued that the humor builds through an additive chain, with the original comment’s humor contributing to the hilarity of susequent replies to that comment. In that model, anyone’s reaction to the original comment will always be somewhat unfairly disadvantaged relative to the follow-up comments that build upon it.
So, in summary, I apologize for all of the times that I have laughed more heartily at a follow-up comment than I did at the well-deserving and equally or more witty original comment that it was built upon.
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Scott features again here, I’m afraid, guys. He really is a funny guy! The moz gets some flack over a recent Whiteboard Friday blog post title for being not 100% accurate. Rand tries to temper the situation while Scott acts a little less mature:
It’s okay, Rand. I’ve thumbed you down before because you are not, in fact, an actual fish…I felt misled and betrayed.
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Don’t we all Scott, don’t we all.
So what happens when a bunch of SEOs spend time in Vegas? Much hilarity, that’s what. Aside from the comedy contained in the original "Overheard in Vegas" post, Jane chips in with this gem (21 thumbs up btw, only 4 short of the thumbs up for the original post!):
This was via text message at Treasure Island. We were refusing to go into some very loud, obnoxious nightclub.
"Gareth Davies: "Bar is quite cool inside. Balcony outside etc."
Stephen Pavlovich: "Sorry mate, you’re selling the features not the benefits, and there’s no call to action. So 0% conversion rate."
The saddest part about this is that we found this very, very funny.
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There’s plenty of other comedy in the comments; you should check them out, too. One of my favourites though is between Pat and Aussiewebmaster discussing their stalking abilities as if they were superheros:
Wondertwin powers.. Activate! (well unless there is a poker game or masseuse around, in which case we can always activate later.)
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Ever seen a comment get 35 thumbs up? Thirty-freakin-five! That’s a funny comment. Let me set the scene: firstly, Matt makes a post about his new free PHP script which does rank checking. It’s free and you can download it yourself to install on your server. Nifty, huh!? Well, Tyler Dewitt stops by with an insightful comment (this isn’t the one that got 35 thumbs up….):
oatmeal this is tyler dewitt, don’t know if you herad of me or not, but I’m a seo, and programmer, there is a problem with your tool, it works great oatmeal, but did you forget that not every datacenter is the same.
Just a helpful hint, when the keyword is found, make sure when it redirects to google, its pull the search results from the same datacenter that your tool is.
The speed is fine, but zokiii is right, read more into google datacenters, or talk to rand about it, I’m sure he knows the datacenters, and a lot of the datacenters have unique ips you can use, your a programmer you know what to do 
Nice tool though, I might put it on my website
Which Kid Disco then proceeds to parody in hilarious fashion:
Oatmeal, this is Kid Disco. Don’t know if you heard of me or not, but I’m really cool and there is a problem with your tool. It works great Oatmeal, but it doesn’t check search engines other than Google, like Yahoo and Search With Kevin.
Just a helpful hint, it doesn’t return results from Google.co.uk and there are a bunch of other very specific features that it doesn’t do that I want it to do.
If you are going to release the source code, you should also have an extensive tutorial for those of us who do not know what PHP and HTML is.
Oh, and the tool doesn’t work because it says my exotic plants site isn’t in the top 100 for poker.
Nice tool though. I might use it if I was a Scorponok.
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Perhaps the greatest moz comment of all time. "Search with kevin," for crying out loud! Pure comedy gold.
Of course, Matt has produced some funny stuff before. The day he announced he was leaving to pursue his dating site full time produced some pretty funny reactions. Firstly, Rebecca mourns the loss of Matt:
Matt, you’re like the mildly retarded third brother I never had but still begrudgingly love because Mom makes me. I’ll miss working with you.
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Will and Dr Pete muse on how scary it is that Matt is both single and running an online dating site:
// Operation: Get Lucky
$to = $potential_dates[email];
$from = "matt@studfactory.com";
$subject = "Hello, Ladies…"
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Genius!
I then chipped in with my own version of events:
So moral of the story is, guy finds himself being a superstar programmer. Doesn’t get any dates. Hmm. Guy starts to learn social skills. Pwns digg. Doesn’t get any dates. Decides he’s sick of this no dates m’larky so sets up his own dating website. Doesn’t get any dates. Pwns Digg again, but like real hard this time. Plus pwns the blogosphere. Doesn’t get any dates. Sells dating site for lots of $$$$. Now a rich, marketing genius, entrepenuer and still a coding rockstar. Doesn’t get any dates. Decides to give up day job and focus full time working on getting dates.
Dude - like have you ever considered going to a club or something?
Seriously though, your awsomeness will be sorely missed from SEOmoz. A heartfelt good luck for the future (not that I’m sure you’ll need it!)
And good job with mingle2 - I signed up even before I knew someone famous was behind it (user 9004!) so you must be doing something right!
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Of course, Will then stops by to put me in my place:
Your version: guy vaguely troubles digg occasionally. Doesn’t get any dates. Hmmmm. Guy joins small agency for little money. Still doesn’t get any dates.
Guy posts links to dating site profile on SEOmoz. *Still* doesn’t get any dates
Dude. Have you considered writing your own dating site?
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Back to YOUmoz now; this time, Brent talks about SEO for porn sites. Jane steps in with a gag:
"and the viral stuff was amazing."
I bet it was!
/horrible joke
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Yeah, pretty horrible gag Jane, and yet strangely very funny, too…
Digging back in the archives now, I found this gem from Rebecca. Rand makes a post about shakeups in the corporate SEO world, to which Rebecca decides to reveal some news:
Yeah, so about all these resignations…uh…this is probably the best time to bring it up, so I’ll go right ahead. I’m quitting SEOmoz to join the circus. Apparently, my growing a beard in order to emulate my hero, Rand Fishkin, has led me to a lucrative career as the bearded lady. Sorry…
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And last on my list is a comment Scott called "maybe the greatest moz comment ever". Ever?! Well it didn’t get 35 thumbs up, but it is pretty funny. In response to Rebecca talking about people spamming her for votes, Dr Pete comes clean:
* deletes draft emails to Rebecca *
Yeah, those people suck!
Is Social Tuesday/Thursday a real thing? Not being a full-time SEO, I guess I miss out on that. Of course, working for myself, every day is Casual Friday, except for Friday, which is Get-Hammered-at-Noon-Saturday-Eve.
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Too funny!
Anyway, thanks for all the mozzers who made this post possible. Sorry to everyone who I’ve missed out - there were plenty more I’ve laughed hard at over the years, but remembering them and finding them is difficult to do!
Feel free to suggest away for your favourite comments in the comment below:
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